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Gordo and the Alfa Romeos

Gordo reviews the Alfa Romeo Giulietta

Written by . Published on February 16th 2011.


Gordo and the Alfa Romeos

MANY years ago, aged 19, Gordo walked into his best friend’s car showroom, Bauer Millett on Peter Street. Lawrence Millett was his name and Lol didn’t take any prisoners in that showroom; he could smell that Gordo was in the market.

Gordo spied an Alfa Sud. Sporty, snappy, four doors and could fit five (small) salesmen in it. Remembering the thrill of being driven to Buxton one warm summers evening in an open top spyder, Gordo decided to buy. But, he wanted the black one.

“Sorry Gordo”, says Lol, “no can do; it’s the only one in the area and it’s our demo car. Its got a valuable plate as well.”

An hour later, Gordo shook hands, having paid £300 over list for a demo car with 1600 miles on the clock. I kid you not. He had a sign printed across his forehead as well. It said, simply, “Twat”.

To rub salt into the wounds some wag pointed to the number plate. VND1S.

“Let’s call it The Clap”.

It stuck.

Gordo kissed his great friend goodnight two or three years ago. His son Mitch had made the call; he was nearing the end of his battle with liver cancer. Four hours later, the amazing Lawrence Millett was on that last, great journey.

Mitch Millett, six foot two of wariness, raised eyebrow and good humour decides that it would be a good idea to put Uncle Gordo into the latest incarnation of The Clap for a few months, an Alfa Romeo Giulietta.

Now, as Gordo’s readers will attest to, he is not a motoring correspondent. His specialities lie in the food and booze industries, generally reporting from a horizontal position along with being a frustrated womaniser thrown in for good measure. After twenty five years of near-misses, (the women), you would have thought he would give that bit up really. The shock of one actually saying yes would probably kill him.

So, if you are looking for a long chat about the qualities of the hidden bits in this particular Alfa, (i.e., engine sizes, aluminium brace straight-line wheel reverse shifters) Gordo recommends reading John Simister of The Independent on Sunday. John is a better read than the Top Gear lads simply because he doesn’t spend most of his day checking that the beads around his neck are just so, along with a constant need to masturbate when writing.

What Gordo can tell you is that this is a return to form for Alfa in this particular range of cars which includes Golfs and BMW’s. But Alfa have come up with a beautifully styled car that competes on price (around £21k) in the range yet blows the Germans away on the horny stakes. Looking at the Giulietta in a rear view mirror is like looking into the eyes of a predator in Avatar. Alien, a little frightening yet very sexy.

Sitting in the car reminds Gordo of wearing his hand-made Italian Caruso suits from Flannels; very different from M&S in every way. In an M&S suit your head is still bald, stomach big and you still require a couple of hours notice if there is any chance of a (not so quick) shag; In a Caruso, baby, you are ready for anything.

The interior speaks of a better life. Whilst Gordo needed a university course in figuring out the air, when he got it right, miracle of miracles it bloody-well worked. It sorts out the left hand side from the right, the victim being able to have her area of the car boiling hot whilst Gordo sits in a relatively chilled area of his own. Music is great and the wireless phone stuff simply works. The dashboard styling is different and a little Mad Men late fifties. A comfortable driving position with seats that lend good support, either for tight corners or bad backs. The rear seats work for adults as well as kids.

The driving experience is everything that it should be as an Alfa, responsive in a snappy way. Gordo was driving the turbo charged 1.4 litre and found it answered his requirements in a chipper manner, with 120 bhp knocking around the place; what the top of the range Quodriofoglia Verde, or QV to us normals, does must be interesting. That engine, a ground up build, shoves out 235bhp which would get Gordo over-excited with himself.

After all this time, would Gordo still be blinded by the marque when doing the deal? Of course he would, when was the last time you ran around Sophia to snog Helga?

To test drive the Alfa Romeo Giuilietta click here.

Follow Gordo on twitter GordoManchester

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