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Jaguar XFR: pussy or cougar?

Gordo takes a brand new Jag for a prowl

Written by . Published on June 4th 2010.


Jaguar XFR: pussy or cougar?

Gordo remembers the first Jag he ever sat in- an Mk II owned by his Uncle Drew, famous for his swearing, pipe smoking and womanising. Gordo was doing another first, a football match at Old Trafford. None of that Stretford End nonsense- it was Uncle Drew’s box.

Gordo wasn’t allowed to go anywhere with Uncle Drew after that. On his return, his mum, having a cup of tea with Mrs. Jackson the councillors wife from next door, asked the seven year-old Gordo how it went.

“It was great Mum, but the ref was a right silly old cunt”.

Many years later, having sold 118,000 hardback copies of The Sunday Times Complete Cookbook, Gordo bought a black Daimler, and took on a female chauffeur called Pauline- a delightful girl on whom Gordo spent £1050- sending her to the chauffeur school at Rolls Royce to learn how to drive properly. Pauline was very proud of passing the test with flying colours, the final round being driving the Daimler round, a test course with a packet of polo mints sat upright on the dashboard. They didn’t fall over, so she passed.

Mind you, Pauline had a habit of rogering the sales staff, became pregnant and left, marrying one of them. There’s a lesson there which Gordo has still to learn.

Three weeks ago, Gordo was offered the loan of a Jaguar XF for the weekend. Now, living in the City, Gordo doesn’t own a motor and is perfectly happy jumping in a City Car which is a great idea. Over the last twenty years the Jaguar saloons seem to have earned a reputation as being a bit of an old man’s car, so Gordo, who still thinks he is 28, accepted as graciously as he could. He would have a comfortable weekend at any rate.

When he went to pick it up in the underground car park, the first thing to baffle was the absence of a key. Keyless, apparently.

This car locks and unlocks itself; to you lot, that’s probably commonplace, but to Gordo it was gobsmacking, but caused concern for the first three minutes that Gordo spent trying to start the car by pressing a button. On the fourth, Gordo discovered that he had to put his foot on the brake at the same time. When it started there was a sound like cougar waking up. Gordo was starting to get interested.

Driving up the ramp out of the car park had Gordo grinning; by this stage he had realised what he was about to be driving for the weekend; Jaguar’s response to the BMW M5, the XFR. This is the car that had reached 225 mph on the Bonneville flats with nothing more than an extra few tweaks.

Interior luxury is one thing Jaguar has always delivered and the XFR is no exception. What they haven’t done in the past is to deliver a saloon with 503bhp, a torque of 461lb and a rear end that says fuck you whilst reaching 62 mph in 4.7 seconds.

Just the week before, Clarkson had tested it. He was as surprised as Gordo with the sheer brutishness of the performance in the 50 to 80 mph range. The bloody thing howls off as if it was doing a standing start. The supercharged 5.0 litre V8 is one mega power pack.

The interior had that same clubby smell of leather that was in Uncle Drew’s Mark II; indeed this saloon is thickly luxurious with bucket seats in the front that hug you rather nicely, whilst being large enough to fit Gordo, six foot and sixteen stone of sheer comfort for you ladies.

Being as sporty as this machine is, it doesn’t stop it from being a true four seater with a useful boot. There are lots of goodies and for those who want to get into the details, follow the link at the bottom of the page.

The car, when in town, is a well behaved, gracious, polished and urbane topcat. It feels like it is padding around feeling rather secure in the knowledge that it can pounce at any moment and this translates into the driver. It makes you feel good, which not many cars can do with a bloke that kicked off his driving career at eighteen with a Lotus S130/5.

Coming out of the other side of the curry mile finds Gordo at the traffic lights next to one of those black souped-up love wagons that the spoilt third generation Asian boys use. The look on the four lad’s faces when they eventually caught up with the beast at the lights in Fallowfield was priceless. Childish, yes. But it doesn’t half put a smile on your face.

The car is a dream to drive on the motorway, the response in the key 50 to 80 mph ranges is simply stunning. Gordo took the car onto his private test track at two in the morning on a Saturday. It is delimited to 155, which is strange as he wet his pants at 165 and had to slow down.

This is a superb car. It truly makes you feel good about yourself. At £59,900, Gordo would have one. This is a Jaguar that shows how seriously the current design team are taking the custodianship of a marque that had every schoolboy drooling back in the sixties, including Gordo. Welcome back, Jags.

Follow Gordo on twitter GordoManchester

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20 comments so far, continue the conversation, write a comment.

Christopher BryanJune 4th 2010.

this site is getting more and more like Cheshire Life every week.

gjhJune 4th 2010.

....an advert written in the 'irreverent & jocular' style...mmmmm yawny yawn a bit...

AnonymousJune 4th 2010.

Coming over a bit Winston Churchil there Dibigo, I think Gordo looks pretty impressive in that Jag.

Leigh ScottJune 4th 2010.

I think DIGBIO P has a point to be fair you don't see 60 somethings in car adverts as they are trying to sell a younger image. Take all the new volvo ads the merc ads etc... young attractive couples in their late twenties.

Take that Luther fella from the new BBC detective drama, cool as fuk and he drives a beaten up 'A-registered' Volvo

Uncool is cool

Flash, s well.....Too Flash

Hero
GordoJune 4th 2010.

bloody glad i did that write up....

My Sweet ValentineJune 4th 2010.

Dibigo, Cracker? late forties... Shaft? same.. Luther? late thirties early forties. All characters came from, and written by, the minds of writers in their fifties and sixties you knob. Get back in yer punto.

Leigh ScottJune 4th 2010.

ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!

Hero
Temporary HeroJune 4th 2010.

Dibigo, Luther drives a banger because he's a British copper on a peanuts salary. He'll be too skint to buy a Bee Em and probably spends too much on chang to be able to save up.

Long Tall SallyJune 5th 2010.

Dibigo, the dog's knob sounds more like it. Give me Gordo to go to dinner with or you, it would be the large one any day of the week. He is a very funny man and knows the difference between a chardonnay and a pinot noir.From your first post you sound like a bank clerk with a chip on your shoulder about blokes with decent cars. By the way, you silly boy, Luther is an actor playing a role. Grow up.

Long Tall SallyJune 6th 2010.

Oh Christ, he's done his English exams as well. (groan)

AnonymousJune 6th 2010.

If you happen to have burned a million pouunds

AnonymousJune 6th 2010.

If you happen to have burned a million pounds

AnonymousJune 30th 2010.

wasn't cougar a Ford... but then maybe this Jag has some genes in his inheritance.

NortherngeezerJuly 1st 2010.

Isnt a cougar an old burd on the hunt for young flesh?................or am i watching too much american shyte on the telly these days ;-)

DescartesJuly 1st 2010.

I thought cougars were kind of a cross between a tabby cat and a leopard?

AnonymousJuly 20th 2010.

No Northern Geezeer just an addiction for old hens and well as babe chicks/ Every body to his gout

AnonymousAugust 10th 2010.

I remember why I stopped reading this self promoting website. 20 uses of the word Gordo in this review. Goodbye again. Stop spamming me.

Kevin NAugust 10th 2010.

Jeez anonymous, have you ever read a newspaper or magazine, even the stately Guardian. They're all self-promoting.

HanrattyAugust 16th 2010.

You don't get Gordo do you, anon?

AnonymousAugust 17th 2010.

You mean El Gordo, the big one? That's some sort of self deprecating joke, is it? Kevin, I have read the Guardian recently, what's left of it after the half page adverts anyway.(I am allowed to skip them aren't I?)It seems to be aimed at people a little younger than me. It seems all Manchester based alternative publications eventually become public platforms for the self promotion of the ed and his/her chums. City Fun, City Life (twice). Back to Private Eye for me I'm afraid, at least I can cancel my subscription...

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